My journey

One night, i met a teenager in her age of expresing herself freely. She was in need of money to buy a train ticket. I gave her more than she needed. Then, after she bought the ticket, she returned the rest of the money to me. I said to her that she could take the rest. But, she insistedly refused. So, i take the rest. And, she smiled gorgeously. I was totally have a wonderful night at that moment.

In my life, i often met her kinds. They are often called punk and funky. They express their appearance freely with many marks on their face and body, and with clothes that could show their body parts. They often came and looked at me. Some of them tried to scare me. But, most of them smiled and simply said ‘hi’. Of course, sometimes i did feel afraid. However, they are part of jigsaw puzzle within my life.

They can be grouped as schoold dropouts. One of the people whom i will be among with. Another group of the people is unemployeds. These two groups; school dropouts and unemployeds, are the people i would expect to dedicate my self for the sake of pursuing their future, and i will do it through education, hopefully.

I admit that i don’t have a clear plan of how i will do this. Now, I only have a vision. People might think this would be a great work. But, they must know how i will do it. Yeah, i feel like show off and big talk only. It was like being here in Melbourne, studying abroud, a dream came true. The way of getting the financial of me being here was full of ups and downs, i reckon. I’m not dare to think of how i would finance for this one. Nevertheless, just like that night; give and you will be surprised of how the life is changed.

YYDW

i left cuts open in this heart
i don’t care how to aid these cuts
i left them open and hurt me

i feel these cuts everytime i pray
i cry most of the time i pray
try not to cry but tears flow

ah, the wounds make the beat worse
the palm of my hands and feet wet
heads feel heavy
what else do i must feel to die

been many times i prayed to lost my life
but not yet granted
perhaps, i must end this by force
first, i poke my eyes out
so i wouldn’t feel the tears anymore
second, i chop my hands and feet off
so i wouldn’t feel sweating again
last, i beheaded my head
so i wouldn’t feel my head heavy again
then, i surely die

so fool and stupid
ungrateful and irresponsible
liar and traitor
could you give me another bad character

Lord….
how come, i could write these all
how come, i could wish to die
Lord, i move steps away from your wings
please take me closer
thank you Lord

YYDW

Wednesday night 12th November 2008, I made a beginning step to once again believe to love. There is a heart that can open my heart and melt the fear i had to believe that i can put my trust again on someone’s heart. Though i had written many that reflects how i adore love so much, but actually i never dare to take that step again until i found this heart.

She was afraid as well, but i ask her to be together journey this beginning step until time unite us. Many has wandered about me for having you. I never thought that i would know you. You said, maybe this was only my imagination. You said, maybe i would regret it. I myself can;t make sure of the love i feel. Thus i want to journey my believe and i hope you want to be together with me in this journey.

Then, you agreed, alright. Let us start what each of us has been torn. Let us start to hold on this imagination until time make it true.

YYDW

That image represents me in DonDon, the Japanese restaurant where I work in Melbourne, Australia. Only some of DonDons know that i was associated with giraffe. I folded the giraffe based on the diagram that i found in this website http://www.fishgoth.com/origami/diagrams/old_giraffe.pdf

DonDons know me as someone whose interest is in education. It is interesting to work in a restaurant as you aware that you are from another field of expertise. Well, many DonDons come from outstanding position in their expertise and interests. They are not mere people who only know about cutting, slicing, assembling, grilling, cooking, washing, … (perhaps, you can name them).

Being in DonDon really push my body to move most of my tendons. I got my muscle grew a little bit in DonDon. However, that’s not the best part. The best part are to build your capability to do many jobs in limited time, and to be able to put yourself among the staffs so the team work can be built. Maybe they sound cliche, but I couldn’t find any better expression, i guess.

Let me close this writing to mention what i found in DonDon3, the one i have been placed (as there are many branches of DonDon in Melbourne). Instead of animosity and self judgment; i also saw wings flying around, tender hearts, pure thoughts, and helping hands. Time is ticking for me to depart from DonDon. Been in DonDon not mere an accident of dropping my resume. I know what i get from this place, and i’m so grateful.

YYDW

Finally you come.
Yes, i’m home at last.
What got you on the way home, you are bleeding.
I got hit. Some angels from the wicked one asked me to give them the hopes i bring.
You…..bring hopes?
Yes, i do. I bring hopes of those with whom i must spend my last few days before i departed. The angels made an attack to steal these hopes. I fought hard that i broke my wings. I must bring these hopes home so they can continue their life in the future. They don’t know who i am, and they must not know about me. Things got me messy that they thought i must had been in bad situations.
Ah,,,, you should not bare this alone.
At least i know that you are waiting for me.

I guess, you don’t realized that you lost one hope. They managed to steal one hope; it is your hope. You must get your hope back.
I know that they stole my hope. I have to admit that i let them to steal it so that i can still protect others’ hopes. I was getting weaker to save all hopes, so i decided to loosen my grip on my own hope.
How come you do that?! you were not allowed to do that. As you sacrificing your own hope you surely don’t have much time left for your own future.
Yes, i was and i am aware of it. I’m willingly give up my hope if it is needed. I can easily put away all the effort i have made.

No, please don’t. Keep believing. Keep stick to your plan. I know that you have a plan. I know what you meant when you mentioned about the word ‘ignore’.
Ah, you realized it. Yeah i was trying to ignore the message and the love i feel. You surely know that wherever i go, these matters follow me.
That’s why i urge you to get your hope back.

My friend, the moment when i lost that hope, i believe that i can get it back. As you have read the last writing before this, I did mention about ‘neglecting the source of your heart’. It was remind me that what ever might happen, i must not forget to whom i belong.
Hohoho, i see now. You still the person i know. The person who can keep believing in any condition that might put you at the verge of your words. I guess this would end our conversation then. I’m looking forward to meet you again. Step by whenever you have time.
Ok i will, and thank you for reminding me about that hope.

YYDW